Double Standard {part 1}

Isn't it funny that in the white mans' land,women are as liberated and free spirited as men .

They smoke, drink, dress how they like, hell they pick and drop men as they please, they decide what they want and how they want it, where they want it and when they want it. Amazing right?

So i walk down the street watching the ladies dress in tight fitted dresses with a smile plastered to their faces, it seem life could not be more rosy as worries and troubles end at the bottom of their cigarette bud , laughing without care cos really they don't give a damn @all.

However, Am still yet to decide if African women particularly Nigeria we hide behind a hypocritical facade, not showing who we really or just hiding the who we really for the benefits of societal acceptance. Because the minute they step off the plane its like a whole new life, the freedom to explore like they just broke free from prison.

I also find it amazing how our African men come here willing and so edger to accept foreign women just the way they are,they accept them in spite of the crazy things they do, the crazy things 1/4 of which they would judge an African women to harshly for, don't want to go into an in dept detail of the way the foreign women are, lets just say they are every thing an African woman is not :D

But really jokes apart, a typical well brought up Nigerian lady would go the extra miles for our men, we would slave and cook in the kitchen, do the laundry and still be polite about it because we were thought to do so, we were thought to serve our men, and take good care of them, love them and respect them, support them and cherish them and most of all not refuse them when they call us to the chamber........

So how can i blame our Nigerian men when the start chasing after the skimpy dressed fair skinned mama mia, whose morning words are "baby were is your lighter" when the truth is, just maybe we seem like puppets.

Most of all i cant blame the African ladies who leave home and go crazy, emulating the actions of the foreigners because for once she found some one who made her feel different, and for the first time she doesn't have to pretend to be who she is not, she acts without holding back or reservation hoping that word of her misdeeds doesn't sail back home, so that she could return and settle down as society has dictated.

But in the mist of all these craziness who is to blame?

Is it the society that dictates so strictly making women feel like they no place than to be behind the curtains at all time, or the men who based their world on lies and double standards.

I personally blame society, the crazy notion that the world should be a certain way is sickening to digest, why should it be okay to condemn a woman in your country for certain attributes but love another woman for the same attributes. I fail to understand why!

Double Standard don't you think?

Writers block

It's called a writers block for a reason, your brain is shut and you cant find the words to describe how you really feel, emotions are running wild yet you cant understand them enough to put them down in sequence.

So here i am. wondering why words are failing me, i can think but i cant feel, perhaps its the cold or just maybe am to numb to feel emotions.

I feel like am lost in the dessert, with no water no food, lost in the forest no one to hold, like am standing on stage with no mic to speak, like am holding a child with no love to give, i feel like there's an empty space in my heart with no one to fill it.

So help me muse, if you are out there, i need inspiration, cos without my words, i am nothing.

My world 2

Truth be told, I do not feel like am too good for anyone, nor do I feel like anyone isn't good enough for me, I simply believe in connection and compatibility, I believe in attraction and passion, I believe in love and forgiveness, I believe in acceptance and trust, and most of all I believe that relationships shouldn't be a chore, it shouldn't seem like its your responsibility to want to be in one for the sake of marriage, or cos at this stage you are single and you just have to be with some one.
What happened to the freedom of singleness, the freedom to refused to be sucked into the crazy world of you have to get hitched in a certain time. Does it not count to be really happy, why is compromise the easiest feeling to contend with when you could feel so much more, you could feel so elevated in your own way when you find that which you have been searching for.
Am here asking myself, does it have to be an either now or never decision? Do I ve to waltz in formation like the society, what's wrong with finding someone who makes my heart pound just at the thoughts of him, who when I see I feel sweat swell from my palms, whose kiss weakens my knee, whose hug makes all my pains disappear.
Am not searching for a fairy tale, no, I know it happens, I know even as rosy as it sounds there would be days when I would want to shot him, probably, there would be moments when I would want to poison him but in all that anger and pain, I would forgive him because I love him and I would love him more because I would know that life without him is not life at all!
So here I am pondering, should I waltz with the crowd and chose my farmer in a tweed jacket or tango with my here but not now chatter, just maybe I should disco with the mighty pragmatic or perhaps I should samba with my hopeful activist or have faith and wait to Salsa with the pauper who thinks himself a knight!
They say a fool at fifty started as a fool at twenty, oh dear love find me, do not let me be a single fool at fifty.

Memory Lane

I waltz through memory lane in a deep trance remembering what life was and how I reacted to every bit of my past experience and just how I found my self on this very spot, thinking bout the past.

Its really funny, when you are younger your tolerance level is @ 0%, you find it almost unbearable to stand mistakes, you think the world rotates around you, you act on impulse and hardly think of the repercussions of your action, you tell yourself I can't deal with this and you walk away without looking back.

Its ironic that when you are younger you have so much more passion and zest to start afresh like its just the most natural thing to do, like its no trouble, like its getting up from bed any other morning. You get older and all you want to do is hold unto anything, the thoughts of starting afresh becomes a malignant nightmare sipping through your sanity, killing your strength and burying any passion u nurtured.

I wonder were went my feisty spirit, my strength unfettered and relentless, I used to believe I was unstoppable and unbeatable, I was the reason I was created, I had the key to my destiny, I used to walk tall like I was a queen, I fail to understand what made me so passionate and strong and unbreakable.

And years later, I lay in bed going down memory lane asking myself what happened, when did I become the woman who let any1 decide how happy I could be or how satisfied I could get or what I deserved, when did I hand over the wheel of my destiny to be driven by another, how did I give up my independence to society's scrutiny? How did I join the train to the Land of wot ought to be as opposed to what I want for me? How did I get to this place where all decisions seems like an extreme compromise and every choice seems like a subtle directive by the unforeseen norm force!

So it hits me just @ d stroke of midnite, I have grown, cautious and thoughts are my ally, spontaneous act can not be enjoyed for being erratic can no longer be a luxury I can enjoy, I can not be the erratic I don't care devil to survive in a society like this, the days of nonchalance are behind me, but do I have to give up my independence to fit into this subjective society?
I wonder, I do wonder, being grown, does that mean being unfulfilled?

Am going down memory lane, and indeed it baffles me to feel so helpless!

THANK GOD FOR NATURE!

So I realised there was no getting out of travelling to Akure, all though a part of me was excited to see some where new, so I braced myself like a good sport and embarked on my journey to Akure(Ondo state).

My experience was new and refreshing, I mean nature has indeed embraced this town, cos it is blessed with art and beauty, history and heritage.
But that's not my focal point of discussion, my message is about a beautiful young lady.

Well as I stated earlier I was less than enthusiastic about my journey to Akure, I did express it by mopping in the car for a while until the Bride insisted I come and join the crowd, not like I wasn't glad to be there, but I was wearing jeans instead of the regular native people wore for engagement celebrations I really had no idea the engagement was still in action, but I did get up and joined the crowd.

Now only a blackberry junkie would understand what it feels like to sit idle and not hear your fone beep, it either u ve no service or ur fone is not with u. So there I was sitting in the crowd and it hits me its been 30mins and my fone was yet to beep, I checked my hand bag but it wasn't there, I stood up like a crazy lady, searched around where I sat but it wasn't there, @ this point I had started panicking, so I traced my step back to the car that brought me and realised my worse nightmare had happened, I had misplaced my blackberry and I might never find it again.

Defeated and depressed, I decided to call my fone, @ first the number dint go thru and I was already @ d brink of tears but I tried again and some picked, she explained that her kid brother had found the fone in the bush and she was willing to return it.

I held my breath and waited for her and just as I was about to lose hope she arrived, God she was beautiful, and she held a cheap fone, one would expect that she would ve thrown my sim away and claimed my fone but she came to me with the fone.

And there I was thinking that Akure was only blessed with nature. I guess the best nature can bless us with is in bedded in the heart of mankind.

Thank God for nature :D

MY WORLD

Its a funny world we live in, every thought, decision and action we make or made eventually defines who we are,every turn is like a leap in faith, life is a risk yet we beg to live.
In my imperfect world i have realized that nothing make a perfect definition on the ways of living, who decides the norms, who create the rules, rules like what age a woman should tie the knot or rules that the defines the standard of a woman's way of life.
Is it not hypocritical for any 1 to judge the next?


TO BE CONTINUED

WOMAN

Being a woman is the most risky thing on earth, am sure men would beg to differ but it is simply the truth, from the minute 1 is born into this world as a woman , u either become a victim or a victor, however sadly so, most women become victims.

We become victims of our emotions, victims of our choices, victims of circumstances and most of all, we fall victims in the hands of men.

But ironically, i would come back life after life, in reincarnation as a woman, imagine coming to life as a man, the thoughts of missing out in the joy of nurturing life is unthinkable to me, the thoughts of not having my stomach bulge in growth of life month after month, looking at life form grow in me through the sonogram is really painful to even imagine,the thoughts of not having that bond with a child who while sucking on my bossom would look into my eyes in trust love and affection, is simply unbearable to imagine. the thoughts of not having that little innocent bundle of joy look up at me and say "mama" is to painful to bare.

However thinking about it all is not such a bad thing to be a victimised woman, the downside of being a woman is such a small price to pay for all that a woman is yet to experience.

The life of a woman is that of sacrifice, sacrifice in all manners imaginable, it is a life of endurance and tolerance, but most of all, it is a life of unimaginable power, we don't even know about, women are stronger than we give our self credit for, we are the fuel that ignites the fire of life, we are the force that moves the stumbling mountain, we are the natures best ally, we are life in a whole new form, because we are weak only when we chose to be. Only a fool would underestimate the meekest of woman.

I am a woman and am proud to be one.

AFRAID

So this morning right before i left for work,my dad was distributing as usual are ritual morning fruits and i was as usual trying to avoid the usual early morning advice from my dad telling me to pay attention to the morning news.
And somehow while my dad , mum and myself were engaged in our conversations on politics and law, my kid sister and elder brother came to join us in the room, and one thing led to another, and we started arguing on what fone made more sense, black berry, nokia or i phone and the argument went on for ages, eventually my dad decided to crack a joke ( sorry i wont share dat with sundry) and while every one was laughing and rolling around, it hit me, the reason am so picky about who i settle down with is the fact that i grow up surrounded with love, affection, trust and happiness. I walked out of the room some how dazed and frightened, i was thinking of all the things that could go wrong with a family and grateful that my family was though not perfect, but above all the trivial and pettiness of the world.
So i wonder, how would it be easy for a lady like me to just up and marry any man, considering the fact that am so happy in my fathers house.
I walked out of my fathers room silently praying that God gives me just this warm family eventually and some how just when i was ffianlly about to take a shower, i realized i had tear drops dancing down my face, I guess i am more scared than i thot.

I BURN

It seems spring has arrived in autumn

yet summer has sailded in with winter,

Roses and flowers buds bossom in full,

The petals and fallen leaves whisper

in secret,

yet again, distinct with with dancing wind

i hear the nightingales sing in passion.

Dont jinx it, say not a word,

Dont end it, look into my eyes,

Better still touch me,

or would you rather

kiss my breath away,

love me till am weak

without strenght to resist.

tonight i burn with desire

tonight i burn with passion,

tonight i burn so deeply to find

your lips on mine,

I burn for the touch of ur fingers

I burn for the subtle nibble

on the nape of my neck,

tonight i burn for the outburst

that words cant explain,

tonight i burn to lay in ur arms

till d break of dawn.

Poetry

Poetry is like painting with words, each word a perfect fix to the next, its like romance and passion expressed in the simplicity of words.
Poetry to me is like music each word dancing in tune with the next, every word in symphony with the next, message in tune with the pain, love, anger, anguish, passion, hate, desire, i mean any feeling imagined or felt.
That's why i write, i write to express my self, to pass messages my lip has failed to pass, i write to be heard.
So let me share with u some of my Paintings . .

How i lost Deji

so it occurs another lunch conversation with Deji,he was the ideal kinda guy i would have considered marrying, i mean he so willingly decided to give me his car to use for 3weeks non stop, he was always at my rescue each time i needed,he would listen to my problems and say things like "dont worry u would be fine" and the ask me how he could help, i still remember how we had met, i had decided to just take my passion for french seriously and pay for classes and some he was the banker who attended to me despite the fact that he wasnt behide the counter, he seemed strangly pleased by my name and it suprised me then but later i understood it all.

so sitting across the table, i stared at him again and wondered why it just seemed so impossible to find him attractive atall, his lips which is the most attractive thing about him moved in motion, asking me again why i just couldn't find it in my heart to give hime a chance.

i thought for a while,really trying to understand myself, i have always wanted to find some one who would pretty much worship me, treat me likee am some sort of fraigile egg and pamper me, and here he was right before my eyes aand all i could think of was, this guy is just pretending, am sure he would change once i gave him a chance to be the man for me.

But then it hitted me, i was not scared of dating him because i felt he was gonna hurt me eventually, i was scared of dating him because i knew his being available was not a good enough reason to date him, i couldnt find myself dating him cos i dint want to compromise dating some1 i dint find attractive, he was goodlooking in a specific way but it just dint appeal to me, maybe cos all I saw in him was a friend, my friend.

Marriage is not just about two poeple getting married cos it is time and it is just convinient, for me marriage is about finding that special person who understands u, who makes ur life worth living, who makes every moment count like neeva before, who makes your palm sweat just at the anticipation of his touch, its about finding some 1 who is considerate and kind and whose kindness and consideration is well appreciated and not just taken for granted.

So i looked him in the eyes and told him " Deji, u are so good to me, but i cant date u, if i do, i would be lieing to myself and that is going to be very unfair to you"

He looked like me as though i was some ghost, i guess he just never eexpected that i would still stick to my NO as per dating him, he then told me, he dint want to be friends, he could not be my friend and right there on the spot he left me sitting on the table and walked away.

I guess eventually i thought about it and was grateful for my decision cos as the porpular saying goes "HOW CAN WE BE LOVERS IF WE CANT BE FRIENDS? so Deji never wanted to be my friend he just wanted to date me.

So dats how Deji walked out of my life.

ACCEPTANCE

The dusty cold october breeze struck me across the face, reminding me of my lonliness.
just a few weeks back i had some one to love, yet today, i sit on my patio, listening to the leaves dance to the rythme of the wind.
Lonliness is interpreted according to he who concieves it, i guess thats why i embrace this loneliness that has englufed me, i wonder why i hadnt been brave in the past , believing in my self and finding ways to find happiness in my solitude.
Moments so lost it seemed like my own imagination, am wondering, did i not lay in his arms once, or anticipate the dust of his touch, mesmerised by the gentle touch of his lips and yet, this minute, this very second, am lost in anger and i cant remember how it felt to fall in his embrace.